Things That Suck

October 6th, 2015

Sean and I have developed our own language of sorts – as many couples do. It primarily consists of random quotes from movies/TV/books that have come to mean something specific to us. For example, we might say, “Holy random, Batman,” if one of us has a thought out of nowhere (to be fair, this is most likely to be me that says this, and usually in relation to one of my own random comments). Or, a more common one that we use, “I’ll take random things for $1000, Alex.”

So yesterday, during a particularly bad day for me, in expressing all of the things that happened to be swirling around in my distorted brain, I just wanted to keep saying, “I’ll take things that suck about depression, Alex.”

Things that suck for $200:
Having your insurance stop covering the med cocktail you have come to rely on, causing you to venture back into the world of antidepressants and side effects – and not knowing if you’re going to be able to find another med combination that works quite as well for you – or knowing how long that might take even if you do.

Things that suck for $400:
Preferring to be asleep over awake because at least in your dreams you feel happy – even if they are not as good as your life actually is. Like, really not as good. Like, normally they’d cause you to wake up feeling stressed and angry, but because you are not depressed in them, they are still better than being awake.

Things that suck for $600:
Recognizing that no, it’s not your job that drove you crazy – you are inherently crazy and no job is ever gonna be easy for you when you have to also fight that crazy on a sometimes daily basis. And there are likely not enough sick days at any job you are gonna have that allow you to be both mentally and physically ill sometimes.

Things that suck for $800:
Realizing (again) that there is no real cure for this illness, and you’re going to be dealing with it for the rest of your life, which, most of the time, you wish to be very long. But that’s a hell of a long time to fight this battle that is so very exhausting. A really, really long time.

Things that suck for $1000:
Breaking into uncontrollable sobs while trying to help your kid with his homework, freaking him out so much that he then breaks into uncontrollable sobs, all while your partner is sitting mystified and wondering what the hell just happened and how he can help. I’ll take that guilt sandwich you’re serving up right here – because nothing feels worse than seeing your loved ones hurt – and you being the cause of it.

I know this is more downbeat than some of my other posts about depression – usually because I choose to write about it only once I’m past a depressive episode and can be all reflective and shit. But I thought it made sense to share that sometimes, there are just things that suck about depression.

  • Amma Marfo

    For the record, fighting through- and writing through- all of this? Puts you in the Tournament of Champions.
    YES I TOOK IT THERE.
    <3

    • Ha – thanks, Amma. Sometimes writing it out makes me feel better. I hope posting it makes someone else understand better.

  • Jessi Robinson

    Downbeat is real. It’s better to be real than add to the depression/anxiety/bullshit by faking it. I love reading your blog because, unlike so many, you ARE real and talk about things other than SA. Good luck with the meds (AKA, screw insurance companies!), I hope you and your caregivers are able to find something that works soon.

    • Thanks so much for your comment, Jessi – I really appreciate it. And yes, downbeat is real, it’s just sometimes hard to post when we push and push to be so much more positive online all the time. But it felt good to write, and if people learn something or connect more because of posting it, then it’s worth it.

  • Phil Covington

    Daily Double – Having family, friends, and colleagues who care about you deeply and who are amazed at your willingness to be raw and real so that we better understand your battle. I hope you know you can count on us when you’re hesitant to wager much on the daily double. I miss sitting in board meetings with you 🙂

    • You know you just miss my facial expressions when someone says something stupid :).
      Thanks for the comment, friend – and I appreciate the support you’re always willing to give – it means a lot. Hope you are well.